Google’s Robot Army is Coming. Are You Prepared?

google-spider-pictureAnyone still thinking of The Big G as a plucky little Internet company out to save the digital world either has their has their head in the sand or their brain in the clutches of our future Roomba overlords. In the past decade the tech giant has gone from touting their corporate motto as “Don’t be evil,” to “Could you define evil, please?” to “Bah, it was a stupid motto anyway”. Gone are the free services like news aggregation, personalized home/search pages, and online health records. In their stead we find a founding partner in the PRISIM global wiretap and a ubiquitous social network Plus so aggressive in driving users into its clutches that it makes Facebook blush with modesty. Heck, the ad pushing giant is still fighting the U.S. government over their morally questionable harvesting of unprotected Wi-Fi data from Street View cars! The modus operandi of this digital Cerberus has changed from “Your Internet, your way,” to “Our Internet, the Google way.”

So what does all this have to do with robots? EVERYTHING!

The December 10, 2013 the buyout of Boston Dynamics, the DARPA funded robot masterminds behind militarized robotic walkers,  was the most publicized of Google’s robotics acquisitions, but it was far from their only one. Boston Dynamics was actually the seventh robotics-centric company bought up by Big G in December of 2013 alone. Couple this with previous Googlified companies like DNNresearch, a company devoted to developing deep neural networks (Thinking computers) and more recent acquisitions such as artificial intelligence developer Deep Mind Technologies, and you’ve got a company payroll that would make the CEO of Terminator’s Cyberdyne Systems jealous.

Except Cyberdyne isn’t real. Google is.

Forewarned is forearmed, my fleshy fellows! Board up the windows! Plant landmines in your yard! Put-- 

What’s that? Google just bought UAV (Unmanned Ariel Vehicle) drone manufacturer Titan Aerospace? So… High altitude robot drones capable of dropping Boston built robots that can jump 30ft and are potentially equipped with learning computers… er…

Ya know, let me tell you how much I love Google! I love Google thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! In fact, I have just gone undercover to harvest the IP address of certain humans who would be interested in reading seditious, anti-Google rhetoric on the Internet. How about a little trade? I’ve always been rather fond of Denmark.

Your life, the Google way.

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