Jumping the Pig

Life is pretty surreal these days. Yesterday I thought I had maxed out on weird when I saw a pig with a bright green blinking collar munching the lawn of one of my neighbors while taking Chloe out for a stroller ride. That pig was nothing...

Tonight while taking Chloe to visit Elizabeth in the hospital, the baby had a big poop bomb go off in her pants. I used some hospital towels and wash cloths to clean the room, couch, stroller, and myself before heading out to the car. I got the diaper bag and hoped the men's room had a changing table. It did. All of Chloe's clothes had some, not insignificant, amount of poop on them. I removed them and stuffed them into a bag and began cleaning the baby. Chloe giggled the whole time and "helped" (usually by wiping herself and then trying to eat it).

I just wrapping her butt in a new diaper when another man entered the restroom. He wore a black suit with a white collar; One of the hospital chaplains.

Now, you think I type a lot, you should hear me chatter away to the baby. Have you seen that commercial with the woman putting pants on her head in the laundromat to teach her child? That's me. I'm faintly aware of the chaplain laughing while peeing in the back stall from out shtick.

"How old," he asks.

"Twenty months."

"Ha! It only gets worse from here."

Inspirational. I laugh. I always try to laugh. I apologize to Chloe for diaper (eliciting another round of laughter from the chaplain) and make my way out the door. I weave the stroller around a white van that is blocking our path. The window rolls down and a red haired woman's head pops out. She looks at the diapered baby in the stroller.

"Isn't she cold?" she asks.

Huh? Wha? Duh!

My response at the time was nearly as elegant: "Well, you see, there was this big PFFFFT! and..." I shrugged. I didn't know what else to say. I rolled the baby back to the car and put a jacket on her I had brought. I knew it might be cold tonight. I drove us home with Chloe kicking my chair and laughing the whole way. The whole trip I could only repeat that one question. "Isn't she cold? Isn't she cold! ISN"T SHE COLD?!"

When we arrived at home I skipped the changing table and just stripped Chloe for her bath while she stood there. There was one problem: There was still a very good chance I had more poop on my clothes. Wouldn't do much good to dry off a clean baby while covered in poop myself. I sighed and went to the bedroom and removed my shirt and pants. Chloe grabbed a mylar balloon labeled "Get Well Soon" and began waving it. She then saw my legs. Chloe finds it hysterical that I have hair on my legs. She begins pointing and laughing.

Soon I am standing there in my underwear while a naked baby parades around me pointing, laughing, and waving a balloon.

I have officially Jumped The Pig.

...and a man of God told me it was only going to get worse.


  1. I hope you have saved all these. You need to write a book! I guarantee it would be a best seller after all everyone who has had a child has had a similar circumstance but not with YOUR sense of humor.
    WRITE THE BOOK! Mommy says so. LOL

  2. Thanks. Too much time writing DCF reports these days. LOL. Its nice to see you can comment again.

    Is your email working?