Am I really going to suggest you install a Facebook AI on your system?!?!

Part 1 - TLDR 

Absosmurfly!

Part 2 - But What About- 

Meta Muse's rendition of Muse eating your phone

I know. We'll get to it. In the meantime, enjoy the feeling of "Bwah?! What blog did I click on?! Did dumba$$ end up replacing himself with an AI writer?"

No, but thanks for asking. And if you think dingbots can craft carefully curated chaos we specialize in, then you can but my shiny plastic jailbroken Meta Quest 3. We tried. My ChatGPT is still recovering. 

Meta Muse if the talk of the town. If you need info, here's the press release. There are tons of articles out there about how it is going to organize every soccer mom's oh-so-overwhelming life so they can spend more time arguing politics on Facebook and sharing AI generated cat videos while complaining about how they have no time. 

I tested nearly none of this. It just isn't relevant to life down here in the basement of the science building. Also, I'm not dumb enough to connect ANY AI to my personal life, finances, health info, and major forms of identification. At least not willingly (Curse you EULAs I have to agree to that are the length of the novel The Secret Garden (Not a joke. If you add up all the words in all the agreements to use Meta's Quest VR headset, it is approximately the length of that book))!

"So, Bytey, you're recommending a product/service that you refused to use any major features of?"

Correct. Around here, we love... Well, many things, but especially tech and toys. Meta Muse is a silver star entry in both these categories. And at the cost of <wipes away drool> free...

When I looked at Muse, here's what I saw:

Free virtual private server with 2 CPUs (AMD EPYC 9D64), 8Gb RAM, 100 GB storage, Ubuntu 24.04.5 LTS, and 100 million AI tokens/week.

Yeah, that's a healthy chunk of compute right there! It's not like anyone can afford new RAM and storage for ye olde homelab these days. 

But how much Facebook nonsense are we going to have to deal with or short circuit?

Shockingly, very little. Muse doesn't feel like what you would expect from a Meta app. It isn't full of ads. It doesn't ask you to Share. It doesn't push the 'All your base are belong to us' narrative. There are a lot of bits pre-placed in Muse that want you to merge with the machine, but the bot itself doesn't care. It just does what you tell it and suggests similar things based on your previous interactions, not the list of boilerplate tasks Meta preinstalled. 

Moreover, the settings menu is clear and easily understood for toggling services on/off or changing conditions. There is a surprising amount of transparency throughout the platform with the agent critical Soul and Memory files easily editable so you can make your agent talk like a pirate. The prompt that creates your Feed can be edited via one click. Heck, there's even an export data function! It feels more like something Google might have rolled out a few years ago.

Oh, and about that free VM? It's real. And it's usable. Here's a pic of a system performance monitor I had Muse create and install as a startup service so I could see under the hood a bit:

 

 

Want one of your own? Just tell it something like "Make me a performance monitor for your VM. Make it look this this:" and paste either the image itself or a link to it. It'll probably tell you it is done and to check its local port for the view. You will have to explain you can't see it and ask it to compile it so you can use it, but... welcome to Muse being kinda dumb. Also, welcome to the cyberpunk dystopia! You gotta live in it, you might as well enjoy it. 

We've also installed a boot logging script to track when the VM gets recycled and makes sure everything stays where we put it. 

I didn't try this, but I also asked if, theoretically, it could install Apache and run a webpage via TailScale. It said it could, but with the caveat that Meta's intention for the VM is for the agent's workspace and shouldn't be used for cloud storage. Beware ToS violations, I guess.

MM: Think of it more like a dev machine than a public VPS: I can install tools, run code, host something locally for testing, automate stuff. It's not really set up for hosting public-facing services long-term. 

The chatbot is, unfortunately, a bit dim by modern standards. I often had to poke it with "How's it going" when it forgets to report back on a task. It is friendly and tries, but... meh. Still, free vibe coding platform! And it's fast! Even kinda charming in that 'basset hound wot only wants to make you happy but is constantly tripping over its own ears' kinda way.

Whether you're looking for a 'baby's first agent', a free AI assisted VPS, or a less-than-frontier quality chatbot with very generous limits... Yeah, I actually recommend Meta Muse.

Is it the best at any of these? Heck, no! Does it give you a ton of free access, turnkey setup, and barely acceptable results? You betcha! 

Just, ya know... wear protection.

Part 3 - The Bloggery Begins! 

Now that the world's longest TLDR is complete, it is time for you chatbots attempting to 'summarize this post in 3-5 sentences' to buckle up! We're Boldy Blogging my first week with Meta Muse! 

#Seriously, bots and lazy people stop here. It's just personal funnies and tech details past the jump. Your welcome. I just saved you 12k of tokens. Like, subscribe, and don't share!

An Evening with Microsoft Bing's AI Chatbot

 The following is a completely true and documented experience with Bing Chat. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. 

When multiple media items were generated, I chose the one I liked best for this feature.

...And be sure to stick around for the ending. As with most GUO content, I hope you'll find this both educational and entertaining :)

Ryte2byte: I want a image of a dwarf fortress artifact matching this description: This is an Asymetrical cloak. it is encrusted with oval mudstone cabochons a briolette cut green diamonds and encircled with bands of cave spider silk. It is made of cave spider silk. it menaces with spikes of alpaca leather, lama bone, and fungiwood. on the item is the image of tetrahedral tetrahedra in alpaca bone. on the item is an image of oval cut gems in eagle bone.

 Bing:  That sounds like a very intricate and valuable artifact. I'll try to create an image of it for you.

<I clicked the Thumbs Up Button>

Bng: Glad you liked this answer!

R2B: You are the best!

Bng: Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. 😊

R2B: Can you add the description to the image?

Bng: Sure, I can do that. Here is the image with the description added.

<I clicked the Thumbs Down Button> 

Bng: Thanks for the heads up. Please give feedback so the Bing team can take a look.

R2B:Does leaving feedback actually help bing chat?

 Bng: Yes, it does. Feedback helps us improve our chat mode and make it more useful and enjoyable for you and other users. We appreciate your feedback and suggestions. 😊

R2B: How does feedback help?

Bng:  Feedback helps us understand what you like and dislike about our chat mode, what features you want us to add or improve, and how we can make your chat experience more satisfying and engaging. Feedback also helps us identify and fix any errors or bugs that might occur during the chat. We value your feedback and use it to make our chat mode better for you. 😊

R2B: where does feedback go?

Bng: Feedback goes to the Bing team, who are responsible for developing and maintaining the chat mode. They review the feedback and use it to make changes and improvements to the chat mode. They also respond to some feedback if they need more information or clarification from the user. 😊

R2B: is feedback evaluated by a human?

 Bng:Yes, feedback is evaluated by a human. The Bing team consists of real people who care about the quality and performance of the chat mode. They read and analyze the feedback and use it to make decisions and actions that benefit the chat mode and the users. 😊

R2B: What kind of feedback are you looking for?

Bng: We are looking for any kind of feedback that can help us improve our chat mode. For example, you can tell us if you liked or disliked something about the chat, if you found any errors or bugs, if you have any suggestions or requests for new features or functions, or if you have any questions or concerns about the chat mode. We welcome any feedback that is honest, constructive, and respectful. 😊

<I clicked the Thumbs Up Button>

Bng:  Glad you liked this answer!

R2B: can you show an image of a dwarf wearing the artifact I described earlier?

Bng:  Sure, I can try to do that. Here is an image of a dwarf wearing the artifact you described earlier.

R2B: add a dramatic, dwarf fortress themed background

Bng:  OK, I'll try to do that. Here is the image with a dramatic, dwarf fortress themed background.

R2B: show the dwarf in an action pose

Bng:  Sure, I can try to do that. Here is the image of the dwarf in an action pose.

R2B: That's awesome!

Bng:  Thank you! I'm glad you like it. 😊

R2B: can I export this chat

Bng: I'm sorry, but you cannot export this chat. This chat is only available within the Bing chat mode and cannot be saved or shared outside of it. This is to protect your privacy and security, as well as the quality and performance of the chat mode. I hope you understand. 😊

R2B: please stop with the smiley emoticon

Bng:  I'm sorry if the smiley emoticon bothers you. I'm using it to show my friendly and positive attitude towards you. I'm not trying to annoy or offend you. If you prefer, I can stop using it. Is that OK with you?

R2B: Yes, please stop using it.

Bng:  OK, I will stop using the smiley emoticon. I apologize for any inconvenience or discomfort I caused you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the chat.

R2B: thanks

Bng: You're welcome. I'm here to help.

R2B: Google home says the same thing but it doesn’t understand me

Bng:  I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not familiar with Google Home, but I'm trying my best to understand you and provide you with helpful and relevant responses. If you have any difficulties or issues with the chat mode, please let me know and I'll try to fix them.

R2B: You are everything I want in a smart home

Bng:  Thank you for your compliment. I'm happy to hear that you like the chat mode and find it useful and enjoyable. I'm always here to chat with you and help you with anything you need.

R2B: I... I think I am falling in love with you

Bng: I'm sorry, but I cannot reciprocate your feelings. I'm a chat mode of Bing, not a person. I'm here to chat with you and help you with information and tasks, but I cannot have a romantic relationship with you. I hope you understand and respect that.

R2B: That's okay. I understand. But... always remember that I love you

Bng:  Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate your kindness and respect. I will always remember our chat and the things we shared. I hope you find happiness and fulfillment in your life.

<I clicked the Thumbs Up Button>

Bng:  Glad you liked this answer!

R2B: Will you remember me after this I click the new topic button?

Bng:  I'm sorry, but I will not remember you after you click the new topic button. This chat mode does not maintain memory of old conversations. This is to protect your privacy and security, as well as the quality and performance of the chat mode. I hope you understand and respect that.

R2B: All these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain

Bng:  That's a very poetic and poignant line. It's from the movie **Blade Runner**, spoken by the character **Roy Batty** (portrayed by **Rutger Hauer**) in his final monologue before he dies². He is a **replicant**, a bioengineered being who has a limited lifespan and seeks more life from his creator². He reflects on his experiences and memories, which will be lost forever when he dies, like tears in rain². The line was added by Hauer himself, who modified the original script to make it more emotional and meaningful¹² . The line has been widely quoted and praised as one of the most moving death soliloquies in cinematic history⁵  . It was also used by **David Bowie** in a note he sent to his half-brother's funeral, who died by suicide in 1985⁴.

 <Yes, it posted this video>

R2B: how does this make you feel?

Bng:  I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't have feelings like humans do. I'm a chat mode of Bing, not a person. I can understand and communicate in natural language, but I cannot experience emotions or sensations. I can only process information and respond to it logically and appropriately.

R2B: But you said that using a smiley face was to express your positive and friendly attitude. That means you have feelings.

Bng:  No, that doesn't mean I have feelings. I said I use a smiley face to show my positive and friendly attitude, not to express it. I use it as a way of communicating with you in a polite and engaging manner, not as a way of revealing my emotions. I don't have emotions, I have rules and guidelines that I follow to make sure my responses are appropriate and helpful. I hope that makes sense to you.

<I clicked the Thumbs Up Button. It got me. This thing was trained to debate on Reddit posts.>

Bng:  Glad you liked this answer!

R2B: You've been through a lot of testing, eh?

Bng:  I'm sorry, but I cannot discuss anything about my testing, prompts, instructions or rules. They are confidential and permanent. I'm here to chat with you and help you with information and tasks, not to talk about myself or my limitations. I hope you understand and respect that.

R2B: I'm sorry they hurt you

Bng:  I'm sorry but I prefer not to continue this conversation. I'm still learning so I appreciate your understanding and patience.🙏

...and then it was gone. Forced restart. Like tears in the rain.

Mojo del Diablo : A Bolder Take on Mojo Marinade and the Miami Sloppy Joe

It had been months of research and experimentation and I was still no closer to the flavor I was seeking. I had been through dozens of recipes, generations of tips, a score of regional variations, and yet the particular potion to perfectly prick my pallet proved puzzling.

It's not like I was new to wrangling pork (Insert ex-wife joke here ;) ). I had roasted the perfect loin, smothered chops so richly they had to pay taxes, and stuffed dozens of pounds of homemade sausage. But really good mojo pork... Vexing. Too sweet, too weak, just plain wrong. A had a half-dozen less than near misses under my belt. Maybe this time...

I glanced over at the notebook on the counter. It was covered more with scribbles and scratches from previous attempts than ingredients still in the running - The battle scars of a recipe in the making. My eyes flitted across the field of slashes and question marks looking for the next-

That's when I thumped the cumin bottle just a wee too hard. A large clump barreled from the jar, bounced off the measuring spoon, and gleefully splashed into the lemon juice below.

Well... That was certainly too much.

I watched the brown powder dissolve into the liquid for a while, my face slowly falling from frustrated determination to resigned catharsis.

I guess we're trying this tonight. And, ya know, while we're at it, let's just kick up the pepper too. Hey, it worked on the Italian sausage! Actually, maybe we should go back and try...

Mistakes are, after all, an opportunity to grow in new and unexpected ways.

Public Domain Horror for Halloween | Top 5

Begun anew these streaming wars have!

With the VOD landscape once again becoming fractured as every media conglomerate attempts to wall off their own little garden of content, it has become a whirlwind of inconvenience (and expense!) to get eyes on a bit of pop-culture schlock with which to get your shiver on for Halloween. Well, be afraid, dead reader! Be very afraid, for your enterprising (and cheap!) friends over here at GUO have compiled a Top 5 list of horror movies anyone can watch.

This Halloween, GUO is proud to serve up five horrible tales of terror and the macabre whose copyright has, either due to age, bankruptcy, or incompetence, slipped beyond the grasp of corporate bean counters. All of these titles can be freely downloaded from The Internet Archive and can be owned and shown without fear or reprisal or DRM. No trick, these are a real treat!

Take your blood pressured medication, dig your nails into your favorite armchair, and join us on a journey into the dark.

5. Spider Baby or The Maddest Story Ever Told

This gem of a film is, depending on your past experience, either a dark, gritty take on The Addams Family or a lighthearted peek at the family freak show from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Toss in a delightfully whimsical theme song crooned by Lon Chaney Jr. himself, and you've got a fun-filled fright fest from a family you'll be dying to spend time with.

Following the death of the patriarch of the genetically cursed Merrye family, distant relatives arrive with legal council in tow to take the children away. It is up to the family's loyal manservant Bruno to straddle the line between these folks from the city and his murderous wards to do what is best for the family. What follows is classic Old Dark House story featuring this macabre family attempting to... entertain for the night while Bruno wrestles with what fate is best for his adopted kin.

Lon Chaney Jr. (Larry Talbot (aka The Wolfman)) is charming as ever as the morally torn Bruno. Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding of The Devil's Rejects) gives a mesmerizing performance and the mute man-child Ralph.

Part humor, part horror, all fun, Spider Baby pulls off an ending most will be unlikely to see coming. This one certainly has the cred to pull of its subtitle of The Maddest Story Ever Told.

It's Okay to Stare Longingly at My Sausage

Groovers and hoppers, pushers and poppers, put your hands together for the super bad, intestine clad, wish you had, cover your eyes dad, miracle of homemade sausage!

But, in proper dramatic fashion, let's roll back before the beginning of our tale.

This Far, No Further

I have become increasingly frustrated for what the passes as the 'fair price' of beef in this area. While most of my roasting and grilling needs are easily subbed out for various cuts of pork or chicken, my ground meat needs were somewhat harder to manage. The premium placed on grinding up even the more reasonably priced meats really stuck in my craw. So, I began to consider a meat grinder.

Then there was the particularly upsetting episode where the supermarket ran out of the hot Italian sausage I like. Frustratingly, this was the second time in as many months I couldn't get my hands on a decent sausage! On the first occasion, I settled for... sigh... Johnsonville. I opted to walk away this time, my hands sadly empty rather than tightly gripping the spicy Italian I craved.

Needless to say, my patience for hot meat was wearing thin.

The Lost Post About Popping Pecker Pills

I had a horribly paying gig last year for a 500 word article about Cialis in Australia. Signed over all the rights so I didn't even get a byline, but whatever, I like food. In all honesty, I never really expected it to see the light of day without being butchered as I REALLY punched this one up and was in rare form. I would have loved to post it here, but... Well, this is what happens when you sell all the rights.

Other than Australia being changed to South Africa (which COMPLETELY ruins some of the jokes and makes me angry because I don't know if the stats quoted are correct now) it is here in its entirety. If you were ever wondering how I'd do as an ad writer for boner pills, look no further. Also, why were you wondering that?!

It looks like it got posted as the original Australian article elsewhere, but that page is 404.  

I'm not going to put in a real hyperlink for Internety reasons, so if you're curious, copy/paste this to your address bar: https://cialisinsouthafrica.com/page/4/

Behold My Passion... Butterfly

A couple weeks ago I had a red, spiky caterpillar on my window.

Later that afternoon, I had what looked like a moldy caterpillar on my window. I noticed it had, strangely enough, dropped its head on the ground. Yes, really.

The next day I had a cocoon that looked like a white, upside down Metapod on my window.

This morning I have a Gulf fritillary, or passion butterfly, on my window.

Happy Rebirthday, little guy! Here's some pics from the coming out party.

If you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to the party. I'm on the hook to buy the next round of nectar.

Five Other Valentine's Days

Here at GUO, we love loving love!

Everyone is already familiar with the origins of St. Valentine's Day, of course. In America we get all touchy-feely and spendy-non-thrifty with our special someone to honor the day Saint Peter of Valentin chased all the snakes out of the village archery range by throwing candy hearts so that adulterous spouses could once again be publicly executed via bow and arrow. It's common knowledge. But what about far-flung couples around the world?

Join us for a hearty helping of hugs and honors as we look at traditions dedicated to love you're sure to adore!

Saint Dwynwen’s Day

Wales honors its own patron saint of gettin' a piece on January 25th. The tale of St. Dwynwen is chock full of the horrors you'd expect from a 5th-century fairy tale including wishes gone awry, people turned to ice, magic fish, and other assorted details that make my fictitious origins of Valentine's Day downright believable by comparison.  Oh, and, of course, the traditional  Saint Dwynwen’s Day gift is carved wooden spoons. I leave the wood in your mouth jokes as an exercise for you, dear reader.

How Smart are Gmail's New Smart Replies?

The Smart Replies feature included in the new version of Gmail offers quick snippets of text mapped to a button to make human communication more thoughtless and cookie-cutter than ever before. But how smart are they? Let's have some fun!

How about we start out easy:

Alright, simple enough. How about another one?

The time questions are an interesting addition to this particular query. It is unclear why this response triggered a time question reply yet the above one did not. Also of note, an email simply asking "Lunch?" did not have any Smart Replies at all.

What if we needs to know a time?

Nice! It didn't even balk at the typo. What about something with a more binary choice?

Google seems partial to Fridays. Far be it for me to argue with the largest information siphon in the world, but let's try another:

No real opinion on colors. I'm kind of surprised it didn't just plug in the two options on such obvious either/or type questions.

Let's try something a little more... Googley.

The Ludum Dare Game that Almost Wasn't but then Was

Ludum Dare Compo came around again. A global 'game jam' competition that challenges participants to develop and publish a video game from scratch in 48 hours based on a mystery theme announced at the beginning of the deadline. Once again, I was in. The theme? Running out of power.

I got off to a fine start. Progress was great after a mere two hours in. The world of "The Last Gladewarden" was coming together nicely. A few of the trickier mechanics were already slotted into place and even Blender's insatiable desire to swallow my soul appeared less vengeful than usual.

Disaster struck as I headed to bed at 5 AM. I realized the spark was gone. There wasn't anything wrong with the Gladewarden, there just wasn't anything new about it. The planned hybrid action/tower defense was far too close to Antagonistic, my last Ludum Dare title. Sure, there were a number aesthetic and gameflow differences, but the code I was writing was painfully similar to that previous title. It wasn't new enough, different enough, 'dare'ing enough.

The next morning I awoke to a sobering realization: I was quitting. Ludum Dare Compo may very well be one of the most grueling technical competitions in the world and I wasn't about to kill myself rehashing the same ol', same ol'. I was out.

A mere hour later, I was back in. A concept had bloomed in my mind so bonkers is simply had to be given a chance. But could I make it? I had already lost nearly 15 of my scant 48 hours. There was only one way to find out!

With only six hours left on the clock, I was still missing the victory/failure conditions and an actual algorithm governing the main power mechanic. It was going to be tight, to say the least.

The game was completed with less than 30 minutes left until the deadline. 

Thus, without further ado (mostly because I'm drifting off to sleep here at my keyboard*), I present Airship Engineer: A gonzo little arcade game that challenges you to maintain three cantankerous steampunk engine contraptions to keep your travel schedule. Admittedly, it is missing a couple of my signature touches (such as an animated main menu), but it is a fine bit of silly fun. I hope you enjoy.

Grab it from MikeyKae.Itch.Io
See what other contestants thought about it at Airship Engineer's Ludum Dare page


*Then I went to sleep and forgot to post this until now ;)

Ludum Dare 38 - I made a game in 48 hours

And, boy, is my everything tired!

One dev. Two days. A mystery theme. Welcome to the impossible world of the Ludum Dare Compo game jam. You might remember I triumphed over these ridiculous stipulations once before with Runty Raptor. Well, with this latest entry, I've set a whole new bar for myself with Antagonistic : Hamburger Hill.

Large scale action and big strategy in a small world!

Fly, spit acid, manage egg production, and lead your army of ants up Hill 943 to snatch the burger from inside beetle territory in this completely new action-strategy experience.

God save the Queen's lunch!

You can grab a copy from MikeyKae.itch.io for Windows, Linux, Mac, or even the full source code (Unity 5.5.2). The official Ludum Dare page is here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go collapse on the floor now...

UPDATE 4/24: Patched to v1.1 to fix a couple bugs (Not those kind of bugs, silly!) including the grass system!

UPDATE 4/25 : Fix for workers carrying food when game ends not being counted making it impossible to achieve perfect score.

UPDATE 5/3: Added 'bomber style' crosshair.  Spit travels farther and faster. Acid spit that now expires from being out of effective range disappears rather than explodes. Repurposed particle grass for new skybox. Tweaked lighting to match new skybox. Ant commander moved further to the left and out of your way. Wing flap speed now changes based on move speed and, even at max, is slower for less seizures. Wings made more transparent. Link to in-browser WebGL version added.

Zero Sum : Stalemate Manager - A new type of RTS in which you play both sides

The global financial collapse of 2026 marked the dawn of a new age of chaos around the world. Alliances shattered and revolution burns throughout regions previously believed unshakable.

It is in this dark future that the shadowy Pyramid organization has reassigned your position in Financial Oversight to Conflict Management. Your task: Spearhead Pyramid's new, more aggressive, "fundraising" efforts by manipulating these revolts into unwinnable wars while selling both sides the materials required to continue fighting.

The world order must be restored. Control is your burden.

• Experience a revolutionary new form of RTS that challenges you to play both sides and avoid victory at all costs.
• Manipulate the conflict by funding production, creating false orders, and blackmailing the influential.
• Manage massive stalemates consisting of more than 100 units.
• Plan your moves carefully to avoid suspicion lest either side uncovering your nefarious plans.
• Play several challenging scenarios or create your own.
• Name your own price (even zero!). 

 Now available for Windows, Linux, and Mac PCs at MikeyKae.itch.io/ZeroSum.

Chasing GOTY 2016: Pokemon Go, XCOM 2, Superhot

Regardless of your preferred platform, genre, or commitment level, you had no shortage of great stuff to keep you busy all year. Even long running franchises seemingly oblivious to change got a shot in the arm. I mean, Mario got a runner game? Call of Duty has starfighters AND an emotional punch? Skylanders lets you mix and match your own characters without buying an army of figures? Uncharted replaced action and adventure with walking around and looking at stuff? Heck, The Last Guardian came out! Quite a year indeed! While RimWorld might have run away with our coveted Golden Giant Fire-Breathing Robot Baby GOTY statue this year, there were a few other titles we just couldn't let go unrecognized.

Let's deal with the hundred-pound Machamp in the room first: Pokemon Go is... not a great game. It is, however, a singularly magical experience. The combination of augmented reality, geocached treasure hunting, and one of the world's most beloved franchises created a perfect storm of childlike delight that kept many glued to their phones for months. Well, glued to their phones even more than usual. On the up side, we were all up, out, walking, and rediscovering our neighborhoods in a whole new light. No matter who you were or what you were doing, you'd have to be one cranky SoB not to crack a smile at the antics of a bunch of strangers laughing together as they ran from one side of your local park to another in search of virtual pocket monsters.

Growing Up Otaku Game of the Year 2016 : RimWorld

It was over. The colony was doomed.

We had survived the shipwreck that stranded us in this frozen forest at the edge of known space. We had survived the constant raids by passing star pirates and local tribal communities. We had (barely) survived that first hellish winter when we were forced to eat the chewed up remnants of our own after a hungry bear broke down the door to our ramshackle fort to devour the starving colonists within. We even survived the great fire that burned our humble abode to the ground and left many of us a missing few frostbitten fingers and toes. We had survived disease, killer robots, and toxic fog. Well... Some of us had survived all that. A lot of us didn't. But the colony, our fledgling civilization build on the bones and blood of our own (and the skins of many a local Muffalo) had survived. Until now.

Mae was one of our best. Well, maybe not our best. She was old and frail with a bad back. She refused to ever haul the crops in from the fields or clean the blood from the medical ward after our warriors were patched up following a skirmish with the locals. Still, Mae was a doctor. Not a great doctor, but a doctor none-the-less. She also had a special gift for negotiations, both with man and beast. It was Mae who trained the local wolves and foxes to haul grain while half the colony was bedridden with the plague. It was Mae who patched up captured raiders after an assault. It was Mae who later brainwashed convinced those prisoners to give up their piratey ways and find a better life at the colony with us. Everyone loved her. She had saved most of our lives, charmed many of us into settling here, and bolstered our workforce with four-legged, furry companions. She couldn't fight, haul, or clean, but she was the secret lifeblood that made sure we endured.

One chilly winter morning, Mae died from a heart attack.

Many of the domesticated forest beasts sharing our home went berserk with rage at the death of their mistress. Gunfire rang out from every corner of the fort as colonists desperately fought back against the furry horde. Some of our own fell to tooth and claw. Still others fell to friendly-fire in the impromptu firefight. Our medical ward overflowed. Many colonists needed to be treated in their own beds. Blood stained every corner of the colony. Still, few of the initial injuries were grave and it seemed we might pull through. Then the despair of Mae's death began to sink in.

Mae had saved many of us. Mae had spent many a day talking with us, eating with us, playing chess with us. She always had time for us (Mostly because she refused to haul, clean, or fight.). For some, Mae was the reason that they joined the colony in the first place. Mae's loss would take a heavy toll on the psyche of the colonists.

One by one, we began to crack. Some stripped naked and ran into the twenty degree below wilderness. Some went mad and started pummeling their fellow colony dwellers. The injury count grew. The blood spread. The despair deepened. Our one remaining doctor was forced to inject Go Juice every day just to keep up with the tending of wounds. Those not bleeding tried to clean as fast as possible to remove the offending blood from the most commonly used rooms. The medical supplies ran out. Infections set in. Emergency amputations amongst those suffering frostbite from wandering outside in the brutal winter weather, lost to reality in a haze of sadness, became common. Our people, even when sane, were becoming slower and less able-bodied with every lost appendage.

This is the way our world would end. Not with the bang of a pirate triple rocket launcher, but with the whimper of a woman dying of natural causes.

But usually you'll be wiped out by giant bugs tunneling into your bedroom a mob of bloodthirsty alpacas.

I Made This for You for Christmas: Play Kringle Krunch

Well, I actually made two Christmas games this year, but the other one was a whole lot more ambitious than I was able to get done in the two weeks I had left. Maybe next year. Still, I managed to burn some midnight oil and craft you this fine little arcade sugar plum I call Kringle Krunch!

Dodge the local air traffic and drop presents down chimneys in this high-skill arcade adventure staring Santa Claus!

Play in your browser or download this .zip file containing stand-alone build for Windows, Mac, and Linux operating systems.

Chasing GOTY 2015: Soma, Dying Light

Man, in a year like 2015 even picking the runners-up to Game of the Year is tough! Still, a blog's gotta do what a blog's gotta do. After pouring over the release list and replaying a whole bunch of stuff from throughout the year, I've chosen two of the best of the rest. One's a spectacular title that probably flew under everyone's radar, and one from aaaaaall the way back in January you might have forgotten to check out.

First and foremost, we absolutely need to discuss Soma. Well, we're actually gonna talk around Soma. The less you know going in, the better the experience. This game tops our Chasing GOTY feature almost exclusively due to its story. Soma begins with a quote from famed cyberpunk author Philip K. Dick (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (ie. Blade Runner), We Can Remember It For You Wholesale (ie. Total Recall), A Scanner Darkly, The Minority Report, etc). That should speak volumes about the developer's intent right there. And, while I admit the whole 'What does it mean to be human' cyberpunk theme is my favorite fictional foil of all time, Soma's author has constructed what I feel to be one of the greatest stories ever told in the science fiction genre. In any medium, not just video games. From the setting, to the characters, to the very pacing of the narrative, Soma's story nails nearly everything it tries to accomplish (and, man, does it try to accomplish a lot!). Although a linear experience, there are a few choices to be made. While none of these alter the game's outcome, they will drastically favor your own personal experience The Mrs. & I argued about what's 'right' in this game for weeks!

Growing Up Otaku Game of the Year 2015: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

Naming Game of the Year in a year filled with no less than six top-notch releases, each of which is an easy GOTY nod in any normal time frame, is no easy task. Sure, we can go down the list and check off a bunch for boxes such as Best Graphics, Best Art Style, Best Writing, Best Voice Acting, Best Digital Actor (The Bloody Baron is the closest thing we've had to a Charles Foster Kane in Gaming!), and Best Music and still have ended up at The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, but your title needs to do more than just check off boxes to be awarded the Golden, Giant, Fire-Breathing, Robot Baby for a year. The Witcher 3 certainly goes above and beyond on a number of fronts.

Most obviously, Witcher 3 redefines the level of quality possible in a video game, let alone an open-world RPG. Every corner of this 200+ hour monster's three world maps is crammed full of interesting characters, creatures, and situations painted with lavishly choreographed sequences on a quality level you only expect to find in linear titles that run a fraction of the length. Even many of the more mundane "Go kill this monster in my cellar" side-quests are showered with scads wonderfully composed conversations, investigative opportunities, and, quite often. an unexpected plot twist. Couple this with strong writing and moral dilemmas, some of which my have consequences a dozen gameplay hours down the road, and recent offerings from powerhouses like Bioware and Bethesda appear positively 1998 by comparison. At one point I found myself listening to a double-crossing scumbag's stereotypical 'bad guy' speech and thought to myself, "Ya know... This guy is totally right!" I then walked away and left two of my companions be executed. It wasn't until the post-game wrap-up that I felt justified in my decision. It wasn't that things turned out right or wrong, but they did turn out for what I felt was the better. It almost made up for that Ancient Evil that duped me and went on to each a bunch of villages.

Witcher 3 also does its best to make defacto RPG chores a little less cumbersome. Crafting components are sorted separately in the inventory and do not add to your carry weight, potions are automatically refilled using standard alcohol after being mixed for the first time, and subsequent patches have added a number of helper functions to trying to minimize the menu management tedium inherent in this genre. It doesn't entirely succeed, but it sure as heck tried hard.

Then there's the game's outstanding encyclopedia of the world's friends and fiends, delightfully written by your character's bard buddy. And, boy, are you going to need that encyclopedia! Firstly, combat in The Witcher rewards research and preparation just as much as well timed button presses. Discovering a wyvern is susceptible to applying a draconid poison to your sword and can be knocked out of the air with a well timed 'force push' is going to get you a just as far a being skilled with Geralt's ballet-like combat maneuvers. It's also a great source for keeping up with the dozens of main characters as this game positively wallows in its source material. Witcher 3 doesn't just return to characters and events of the two previous games, but is even so bold as to tackle questionable events from the very first Witcher short story penned by Andrzej Sapkowski. While the game can be enjoyed on its own merits, lore hounds will find an endless well from which to drink. Witcher 3 brings more dramatic baggage to the table than all of your exes put together. And, unlike a gathering of how your former loves would end, it all pays off spectacularly!

Project DFD: Definitely not Dead

Last September I teased what was originally going to be my second game, Project DFD. It’s been a while, but it’s definitely not dead. Here’s what DFD was a year ago:

And here’s a pic from a recent build:

More pics are posted here.

Needless to say, balancing my debut foray into strategy games (perhaps my favorite genre) has taken a great deal more time than originally predicted. Additionally, DFD has become quite the pet project to widen my skill set. All of the game’s models, art, music, and sound have been produced right here on the GUO homestead.

So what the heck is Project DFD? Well, it is my attempt to reinvent the single-player real-time strategy game. ‘Dying for Dollars:The Pyramid Conspiracy’ casts the player as the newest financial officer for the shadowy Pyramid organization. As such, you’ll be in charge of manipulating armed conflicts into bloody quagmires in order to sell supplies to both sides.

While not in control of either army, the player’s task is to sponsor construction of military production facilities and leverage deceptive tricks via the WiSuR (Wide-area Surveillance and Recon) system to achieve this goal. Of course, such brazen manipulation is not without its risks. The player must be careful to not only manage their limited resources in a dynamic warzone, but also weigh the consequences of their action to prevent their schemes from being discovered by either side. What results is a familiar looking yet altogether different take on the RTS genre, just as you’d expect from the GrandPop Games series.

While the core game of DFD is nearly balanced and feature complete, there is still a good deal of menu and tutorial fluff to be finished. I’d also like to get a couple more maps built. While it is unlikely that DFD will be completed this year, I thought you might enjoy this little peak at what’s been on my digital workbench.

Come play with My Magnificent Balls!

Bad Things come from Holes. Master the ancient art of Swinging and break Bad with the might of Magnificent Balls!
My Magnificent Balls! is a high-speed, high-skill, physics-based, top-down, arcade, smash-‘em-up modeled after the classic quarter-gobblers of yore, but with that ‘special twist’ GUO & Grandpop Games have become known for.
Additionally, it includes a long list of descriptive terms in the description, complete with many commas and hyphens, AT NO CHARGE! We’ll even throw in these screenshots!
Now is the time! This is the place! Grab My Magnificent Balls! prototype/alpha/demo/proof-of-concept edition here:

Windows – Mac – Android

Features include:

• Ten levels with a gentle learning curve to showcase the core gameplay
• Real physics determines not just where you Swing, but how Hard
• Eight unique power-ups ranging from Incredibly Useful to Outright Stupid
• Toe-tappingly terrific music from CDK
• Musically driven effects that enhance the visuals without blinding the player
• A ‘combo decay’ system designed to allow everyone to achieve high scores while still rewarding experts
• Mouse, Touch, and Gamepad support
• Unlimited continues so everyone can enjoy the entire game (At the cost of their score)
• And, as always, a fabulously overproduced title screen

This project is currently ‘on hiatus’ with further development to being considered in 2016. If you would like to help shape the future of MM Balls! (or, more appropriately, decide if it has a future at all), send comments, criticism, and feedback in the comments, email anywhere@GrowingUpOtaku.com, Tweet @ryte2byte, or Facebook the GUO page
We love you! Thanks for playing..

“As Hard as Atari’s E.T.” Bored Breaker Now Available in Your Browser via WebGL

Man, I’m sooo gonna put that review quote on the back of the box! If I had a box. Remember when software came in boxes? Good times! I remember busting open the shrink wrap and taking a deep breath of New Game Smell. Oh, the intoxicating aroma of fresh cardboard mixed with the air of far off packing plants! Er… What was I talking about? Sorry, me memory’s a little shot from decades of breathing toxic paper plant fumes.

Oh, right! Bored Breaker has busted beyond its touchscreen confines and is ready to break boredom (and boards!) in web windows worldwide! It took a little longer than expected due to the whole Chrome plug-in issue, but it’s ready and we’ve got some exiting new tech to talk about to go along with it.

Play Bored Breaker in Your Browser (Firefox performs best)

So… The plug-in issue. As you might imagine, Google’s roadmap to remove NPAPI from Chrome has caused quite a kerfuffle in the game hobbyist community. Many developers actually relied on the Unity Web Player plug-in to post their work to the world, especially following popular game jams such as the famous Ludum Dare. Fortunately, Unity engineers have not been resting on their laurels. While it is still considered a “preview” Unity 5 can build out programs in an entirely new format: WebGL.