Welcome to the pilot episode of Ad Copy Analysis! Advertising is everywhere. It’s in our videos, on our busses, and in our news. Heck, thanks to a joint partnership between Apple and the Internet, advertising IS the news. Sadly, this constant demand for plugs and bullet points has apparently outstripped the supply of talent available. Fearing customers will not purchase products based on their own merits, marketing firms have apparently turned to automated Mad Lib generators to supply them with sloppy, nonsensical strings of gobbledygook with which to peddle their wares.
Today we highlight one such victim: Marvel’s new mobile game, Avengers Initiative: A swipe-based beat-em-up for Android and iOS with more advertising powered jargon than they know what to do with. As you might expect from an Avengers title, you only get to play as The Hulk.
Holy buzzword ‘splosion, Ad-Man! So… what we’re getting is some super-powerfully uncooked combat. Fortunately, the heat from those “blazingly fast controls” should cook it thoroughly. Remember kids, never eat combat that isn’t fully cooked.
As for “hybrid tactical action”… um… part “tactical” and part “action”? Hybridized! So… like a Tom Clancy game, I guess. Breach, bang, and clear, Hulk!
Not even going to touch how overused the “HD” term is. I kinda let that go years ago when the Internet started streaming “HD” video at 540p. Amazing special effects are always nice. My jaw hit the floor when I saw those speed lines in the pic! Go go speed fister! Er… let’s just forget I said that last part, okay?
I’m not so sure about the inclusion of “boss sized enemies” though. Somehow I thought The Hulk would be fighting someone bigger than that balding twerp in the next cubicle. Fortunately it’s not just near-sighted paper pushers you’ll be fighting! The text description on Google Play goes on to shill that you’ll “Battle huge BOSS‐SIZED enemies amazing special effects, and incredible set pieces.” Hulk smash effects and set pieces! Exclusive to Android!
…And this part just sickens me. Thanks to the DLC craze it is now popular to release what the marketing boys call a “least viable product” (real term!) and get people to fork over cash with the veiled promise to deliver the rest of the game to you later at an undisclosed price. HOW did this ever become a selling point? I’m not sure, but I think Xbox gamers are to blame. And Satan. You think Satan has an Xbox 360? Man, how many warranty exchanges has he gone through because of overheating consoles?!
By the way, those other heroes in the picture are darkened because they’re not in the game. I mean, when you buy an Avengers’ games you only expect to play as The Hulk, right? No? Well, I’m sure it’s nothing a month’s time and another $2 of your money can’t fix.